


always be with you

by dreamsofyou



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, M/M, Minor Character Death, they just love each other bro
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-18
Updated: 2021-03-18
Packaged: 2021-03-27 18:14:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30126843
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dreamsofyou/pseuds/dreamsofyou
Summary: “I love you.” Jean called again over the cheers of the people, as their fingers disconnected. “But don’t worry, two weeks will fly by and you’ll be sick of my face again in no time.”Jean promised to come home, but those promises are hard to keep.
Relationships: Armin Arlert/Jean Kirstein
Kudos: 19





	always be with you

There was no stopping him, and Armin didn’t try. They were soldiers, and orders had to be obeyed. Jean was to join Levi’s squad for a scouting trip, while Armin had been ordered to stay back, to assist Hange with Eren’s titan training. Armin couldn’t name the last time they had been separated like that. It would be the first night in months that Jean wouldn’t be able to sneak over to Armin’s cot to fall asleep. He knew Jean wanted to do this, to prove his worth to the captain no matter how apathetic he acted towards the glories of battle. 

“When I come back,” Jean had whispered to him one night, “We’re gonna ride out of here together and I’m gonna show you the ocean. We’ll rest on the meadows of sand and bathe in the salt water. Just like in your books.” It was fantasy, it always was. But Jean’s face would light up talking about the adventures the two would have outside of the walls once the titan threat had been eradicated. They would go to the tallest tree and watch the world from on high, they would venture through caves to unearth secrets below them. And most of all, they would spend days by the ocean, playing and swimming in the water looking for creatures they had never seen before. “I’ll take you wherever you wanna go.” He sleepily mumbled, pulling Armin closer to his side. The rough fabric of Jean’s shirt scratching at his face as a gentle reminder he was right there, before they drifted to sleep. 

The day he left on the expedition, Armin helped him dress and prepare. fussing over his shirt and ODM gear until Jean’s hands gently held Armin’s at the wrists. “I think I know how to get dressed. I’ve only done it a million times.”

“A million is a bigger number than you think it is.” Armin chided, freeing himself from Jean’s loose grasp to focus on tightening the strap against his chest. 

Jean chuckled lowly as he placed his hands over Armins, linking their fingers together. “Well then I love you a million.” Armin feels the blush burning on his cheeks, keeping his gaze to Jean’s chest, where their hands are intertwined. 

It was supposed to be a lighthearted moment, but the tears burning in Armin’s eyes betrayed him. All he could do was wrap his arms around Jean to hid his sadness in his lover’s chest. “Shut up. I love you too.” Jean’s armed wrapped around Armin’s frame tightly, as if he was a lifeline.

Jean eventually pulled away slowly, his own eyes filled with tears and hope. “I’ll be back in two weeks maximum. Don’t you worry.” His hands found the fullness of Armin’s cheeks, his eyes taking the time to memorised every feature of the blond’s face. 

“You make sure you bring yourself home.” Armin demanded, as he wiped tears from his cheeks. “I’ll be waiting for you.” Their lips met in a salty kiss, both desperate to savour the last few moments they may have together. He tried to act like this might not be the last time he saw Jean, like he wasn’t riding right into Titan infested land. “Do you still have your charm?”

Jean huffed a laugh at that. “You know I always have it on me.” His fingers reached into his pocket to reveal a scrap of dark fabric. It had once been attached to Armin’s shirt, but he had ripped it off the night he confessed his feelings for Jean. A token to remind him that their hearts were always connected. Armin had been so desperate to prove his love to Jean he’d ripped the material right off his sleeve. It might not have been the most elegant option, but in the heated moment it had brought a blinding smile to Jean’s face. The same smile was on Jean’s face then as he held the fabric so tight his knuckles turned white. “You’re always with me.”

He stuffed it back into its holding as shout echoed through the courtyard, calling for the troops to assemble outside. Armin felt a tug at his heart, knowing that this was it. Jean quickly put his jacket on, letting Armin fuss over him one more time before they headed out together. Armin did his best to contain himself, putting on a brave face as he knew Jean couldn’t let anyone see him cry. 

Everyone was busy saddling up their horses in the courtyard, saying goodbye to their friends and comrades as the squad began to get into formation behind Levi. The captain himself was getting his last set of orders from Commander Erwin. Sasha was sat on her saddle, laughing as Connie struggled to keep his horse and Jean’s in place while they waited to depart.

With everyone distracted, Jean pulled Armin in for a final kiss, languid as he could be in the time frame given, savouring his taste. “Stay safe, my love.” 

Armin only scoffed at him, “Shouldn’t I be saying that to you?” 

Jean jogged ahead and mounted his horse with grace before shooting a smile back to the blond, ignoring Connie’s annoyed scolding on the ground next to him. “You have many times, my dear.” Horses started to amble in the direction of gate. Armin walked alongside the procession, grasping Jean’s hand until the crowds began gathering and he could no longer keep up. “I love you.” Jean called again over the cheers of the people, as their fingers disconnected. “But don’t worry, two weeks will fly by and you’ll be sick of my face again in no time.”

* * *

  
He’s declared dead a month later. A messenger makes their way back to the walls stating the squad was ambushed by a large group of abnormal titans. Eight survey corps return, including Captain Levi. 100 left and only eight came home. Everyone else is declared missing. A political word to ease the worries of the public, but the members of the military knew better. The two soldiers are recounting the massacre to Erwin while Hange tries to clean the blood from Levi’s face. Screams and howls of heartbreak echo for the loss of parents, spouses and lovers. Armin can't move, his lower jaw shaking and vision blurred with tears. He doesn’t move to wipe them. He just stands there, listening to the chaos around him and all he can picture is that goofy smile. He pictures that smile vanishing as the titan grabs him tight, open mouthed before… Armin stops himself. It’s what they signed up for when they joined the Survey Corps and he just had to try living with it. 

  
It’s foolish, but even months later he can’t accept the reality. He half expects Jean to surprise him by bursting through the barrack doors, to sneak up behind him while he’s mucking out the stables, lifting him high into the air in a full body embrace, or maybe he’ll wake up and Jean will be beside him again, and his bed won't feel so empty anymore. He pushes himself out of bed, wiping the wetness from his face, knowing he has to start his day and start moving forward. The road to acceptance will be a slow and painful one, he knows this. He also knows that Jean will stay in his heart no matter what. 

  
It’s been three months since he left. Eren’s titan training has improved well, he’s no longer moving like an overgrown toddler when Hange provides him instruction. It’s been a good distraction, immersing himself in experiments with Hange, and learning from Moblit even more about the titans and how they work. The days off are harder. It’s not often that it happens, but this particular day he’s been allowed off from his usual duties, only being asked to assist clean up in the kitchen after supper has been served. He has the whole day alone with his thoughts. He takes himself to the pasture, choosing to lay down for a while to stare at the clouds. They used to do this together, usually in the dark of night, choosing to sneak off and watch the stars between heated kisses and fumbling with each others clothes. The horses are grazing so he instead leans on the fence so as not to disturb them when the two kids appear from the farmhouse come careening into view hollering loudly to their parents. 

  
“Quickly mum, Emma might be with them!” The smallest boy calls. You knew Lima vaguely. He was one of the youngest of the troops Jean was deployed with. Wait… “C’mon! Let’s go greet them!” The two kids run ahead of their parents who walk cautiously behind. The bells are ringing in the distance while Armin follows the children, trying to ignore the tightness in his chest. He can’t get his hopes up but all he can think is what if.

  
In the distance, Armin can see the gates are being lowered behind the large crowd that has gathered near its entrance. Shop tenders have stepped out, peering their heads to investigate the noise. He can’t see anything due to the mass of people gathering at the side of the street. He feels like he’s 10 years old again, scrambling with Eren and Mikasa so that they can find a better view. He spots a large crate, which he climbs finally able to see the street in front of him. It’s always a hard sight, watching dozens of soldiers stumble home in defeat. There are no horses with them, only broken soldiers covered in blood and bandages. He stays off to the side, scanning the soldiers for any familiar faces. Several men were limping, being supported, or carried by their peers. A woman burst forward from the crowd, beelining to her family to find herself enveloped in hugs. Armin can’t help but watch the encounter with a soft smile on his face. Today was a day to celebrate, no one thought these soldiers were coming home, yet here they were in spite of that. When he turns back, the gate has finally closed and for the briefest moment, he thinks he sees that ashy brown hair supporting someone, but then the crowd is clustering around the soldiers making their way to the infirmary and he’s gone. 

  
Armin drops down from the crate, slapping his face lightly to calm himself down. One of his friends is bound to be somewhere in the procession, and they’ll all be making their way back to the barracks soon, and so that’s where Armin heads. 

  
It’s a welcome sight when he does. Although the atmosphere on the street was heavy with loss, it was not the case back at base. The Survey Corps new death well, and if their comrades had come back from it, then it was a day to celebrate indeed. Sasha was hanging off Ymir, crying with joy while she ate proper food for the first time in months. Krista is rewrapping Connie’s bandages, talking to the two men in front of her. Their backs are to Armin, but he recognises the blond hair and broad back of Reiner and… 

  
He stops as his eyes meet Jean’s and he feel like the whole world is freezing and collapsing around him. There’s blood and dirt caking his face, his hair sticking to his scalp and forehead. There are bags under his eyes peeking through the grime coating his face, but his dazzling smile cuts through it all. Armin doesn’t realise he’s sobbing until Jean’s scooped him up with one arm, wiping away their tears with his free hand. Jean puts him back on the ground so they can fully take each other in. 

  
A timid hand reaches up to carefully trace the contours of Jean’s face. “This isn’t real.” Armin tell s himself. He’s officially gone insane, and he’s hallucinating his dead boyfriend in front of him. 

  
“I’m here. I’m real.” Jean smiles, his own tears threatening to spill down his cheeks. He presses their foreheads together, taking Armin’s hand and placing it over his heart. “I’m here.”

  
His heart is pounding against his chest where it meets Armin’s hand, almost as if he’s making it beat extra hard just so the blond can feel it. Armin’s bright blue eyes look up to meet a sea of green in acceptance. “You came back.” It’s not a question. It’s a statement because he’s alive and he’s home and all the sadness that possessed him for six months disappears to the back of his mind.

  
Jean kisses him, desperate and needy like a man drowning. “I came back.”

**Author's Note:**

> this is canonverse but?? honestly it's been so long since i read the early volumes idk exactly where it fits in. i just wanted to get angsty tbh


End file.
